


Put the Fun in Dysfunctional

by akgerhardt



Series: SFW [14]
Category: Hiveswap, Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-05 13:55:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18367370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akgerhardt/pseuds/akgerhardt
Summary: Nine meteors lead to four families living under one roof.They’re trying, they really are.





	1. Chapter 1

"It's worth a shot. I'll distract me while you do the old switcheroo!" 

Roxy nods with a determined grin, taking his hand. They poof over to the ectobiology lab and enact their plan. While John engages himself with nonsensical bullshit, she buckles down and fixes his mistakes, armed with duplicate cyborg bunny plushies. 

The first is Maplehoof. She’s spared, ushered off of the platform and replaced. Next are the pistols, swapped and captchalogued as an early birthday present for Jake- the dude can never have too many heaps of 'em collecting dust on the gun floor of Dirk’s apartment complex. If he keeps adding to the hoard, he may unwittingly put an end to all firearm casualties. Finally, she turns her attention towards the demonic puppet, donning shades to face it and whooshing it into The Pocket, Lord English's private hell. They know this will likely be a doomed timeline because of their actions, but they'll be damned if they can't give one Dave a good childhood. She smiles at the goofy toddlers, unable to resist an opportunity to ruffle Dirk’s hair. He just blinks up at her, hugging his bunny like a cute little shit.

      "You’re gonna be ok this time. Take care of him, aight?"

He, of course, does not respond, lacking verbal comprehension. Upon observing everyone's fascination with the robotic rabbits, she decides to just give the rest their own on top of the existing trinkets. It can’t hurt, right? 

Satisfied with her work, she scoots them all into place as the countdown finishes, then waves goodbye. The baby version of herself mimics the gesture, and she laughs, getting the attention of John squared. Her John promptly knocks the other out, and she douses his sleeping form with Callie's memory magic. 

"Good to go?"

      "Yeppers! We're bringin' the pony, though."

"Just be careful; it’s a horseshit minefield wherever she goes," he grimaces.

       "That’s a risk I'm willin' to take. Dirk's gonna flip when he sees her next to Minihoof."

"Haha, yeah. I didn't think of that... What if he thought they were all that tiny? His mind will be BLOWN!"

      "... Johnny, you’re a genius. Five boons says he'll start sneezin' _and_ cryin'." 

"That would be awful!" he snorts.

      "Yeah, but he’s allergic to, like, everything organic..."

Unbeknownst to them, the presence of multiple origin bunnies in one world disrupted the spacetime continuum, as the lack of a single universal constant prevented that timeline from being integrated with the rest. The moment it happened, Dave's godly intuition sensed something was off, but he decided not to care because it had zero effect on their universe. No harm would come from the change, anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

Assisted by a Nannasprite, the Liv Tyler army (also known as the Terry Kiser Crew) saved this particular world in the most literal sense. They were excellent guardians and wise beyond their years. Jane’s assassinated the colonel and the batterwitch in the most unexpected turn of events, thus preventing Sburb from being brought into existence to continue the cycle. Their timeline was now detached and irrelevant in regards to Canon, but that was another reason John and Roxy took on this endeavor: they just wanted to give everyone on Earth A a chance at normalcy.

Nannasprite, Halley, and the bunnies were an excellent familial upbringing for the grandparents. Jake still left in search of adventures, but he was armed with a camera with which to shoot his targets this time. He was also given basic sex ed and taught that siring a zillion illegitimate children would be bad, so he didn't do that. Due to historical changes, the goddamn World Wars and baby boom never happened, the environment was stabilized, and most humanitarian crises were resolved. The power of the bunnies was not to be underestimated or trifled with.

Jane still went on to have a son with Stan, but this time they got married, changing her surname to Laurel instead of Egbert. She was still tragically killed in John’s meteor collision, but she had lived a long, happy life and her husband had already died of old age. Jake still had a bunch of flings but only married once this time, and he had no intention to make babies. This version of him fully understood that he did not want to and wasn't equipped to handle them. It happened anyway, as Nannasprite’s tales of her universe inspired him to pursue the mysteries of ancient Sburbian technology out of pure curiosity.

He loves his children, he really does, but he knows he had no business fathering them. It’s nothing but guilt and fear now.

They were quite literally a mistake. He stumbled upon an ectobiology lab with no clue what he was doing, and then he found that the slime shapes of him and his darling wife had fused into two adorable tots, who were just sitting on the platform post-creation. It seemed that the only button the machine didn't have was a reverse one... Whoops.

He kneels down hesitantly to pick the girl up when she crawls towards him, and then the boy plum disappears. He doesn’t know what to think, so he brings her home and tries his best to make sense of it. Anna names her Joey, keeping his family's quirk of four letter “J” words. He doesn’t have the heart to tell her about the boy, who returns on a meteor years later, unaged. He was having a tea party with Joey at the time, and Anna was practicing in the studio, which coincidentally was its landing place. There’s a loud crash that makes the ground shake, and he barely manages to keep the dollhouse from falling on her. She's clinging onto his pantleg, and he's jittery, trying to determine what in the devil-fucking Dickens just happened. He scoops her up and cautiously steps outside, then runs when he sees the damage, yelling.

A life was lost that day, but another was gained. He has yet to forgive himself.

In despair, he flies out to Washington and knocks on Jane’s door. Her teenage son answers, giving him a quizzical look. All three Harleys bear sad puppydog eyes, and he struggles to speak coherently.

When Jane sees him, she glowers.

     “THIRTY years. Thirty years! Not a single call or letter. You didn't come to my wedding OR his first birthday; you didn’t even bother telling me _you_ got hitched, and this is the first I'm learning of your children?!”

“I'm sorry, I- Well, for starters, I got stuck in a magic lotus and transported twenty years into the future, but this isn't about me! I screwed the pooch big time and I can't raise them; I'm bungs at being a parent-”

     “Well, maybe you should have- Wait, what happened to…”

She trails off, unwilling to turn it into a question.

“These are my accidental but cherished-beyond-words laboratory offspring, the younger of whom I accidentally sent down to Earth on a meteor, which-”

    “A meteor?! Jake, that's insane. You know that only happens in Sburb.”

“Yes, but I told you, the ruins still exist here and I managed to uncover some none the wiser and get the ball rolling in that idiotic manner I often do. The point is that I ultimately-accidentally killed my own wife and my family is doomed if I carry on alone!”

…

He's sobbing grossly now, hugging the tots to his chest as they continue to cry. She sighs, pulling them into a hug and ignoring the tears and snively snot raining down. It’s always been "accidents" with him, hasn't it? 

     “Jake, I'm sorry. Couldn't the other me help? She raised _us_ , after all! I just- I don’t think it would work out if you moved in, because... well, you know. Besides, we're half a decade away from bringing Dirk and Roxy into the mix. There’s too much on my plate as is…”

“You could all come live with me!”

     “No. No, we have a life here. I chose to settle down, unlike you.”

“But the-”

     “Look… You can visit whenever you want, and the children can be close that way. They’re going to need a proper education and healthcare, and-”

“You know I don't know diddlysquat about any of that! Charlie Chaplin does all of the diaper-changing and feeding and Halley keeps an eye on them; I'm just the playtime pal.”

     “... Halley is dead.”

“No, he's not! He's a robot now!”

She gapes in dumbfounded silence.

...

     “Impossible.”

“I swear, it's true. He’s the same canine at his core, just a tad clunkier with cogs and whatnot. You should come see him!”

     “Admittedly, this changes everything... I must, but I won't stay!”

He ends up abandoning the island during the school year to live in their neighborhood. Joey and Jude thrive with the extra support and their present father, although he still is more of a friend than parent to them. They stay up way too late having movie marathons on Fridays, he embarrasses the hell out of Joey at her recitals and even takes up lessons with her, she gets her own kiddie vet clinic/animal rescue with robot assistants, and Jude's budding interests are equally invested in. They build a superb treefort, complete with a pigeon roost, spy gear, shelves of cryptid lore, a file cabinet for news clippings, knickknacks and toys (like everywhere else on the property), and so forth. Jane and Nannasprite are burdened with the disciplining, and the robots do the unpleasant tasks. There are many perks that come with inheriting a state-of-the-art tech corporation like Skaianet, though it was revolutionized with the help of Dirk and Roxy and their knowledgable alternate universe companions.

Once the former turn 25, they join the ragtag family, having been raised in the same manner as Jane and Jake. When the four meet, there are distinct similarities and differences in regards to their alpha and beta selves. For starters, Dirk is a professional skateboarder, engineer, and closeted equiphile who makes terrifying animatronics for places like Chuck-E-Cheese and Disneyland, appreciates the philosophical works of old, and engages in slam poetry. Roxy is very much sober and excelling in scientific endeavors like her counterparts, but she also has her own cat rescue and she's a one gal game developer and freelance author. Her wizard series is a bestseller, and it eventually becomes an animated cartoon. The squad is invited to try voice acting for it, which becomes an ongoing bonding experience. Dirk hits on Jake’s sixty-nine-year-old ass regularly, but he has yet to acknowledge or reciprocate it. He just carries on cheerfully and gets a kick out of Dirk’s silver-fox-gilf quips and pickup lines. Dirk can't really complain, though. He’s got it made, and he’s gifted with a whole mustache smooch each birthday. The group manages to establish strong, healthy relationships as they prepare for the meteors.

Everyone knows Jane is going to die on the thirteenth of April, which is kind of a bummer, but she's content with her fate and they have a farewell party the day before. She’s not Nannasprite, but the latter does her part to fill the void she left. She’s happy to rear the little prankster this time around, and her son is grateful for her company. Roxy immediately takes to the family and starts dating him, to Joey and Jude’s disgust (because ew, cooties, and they don't want to share her!). They get used to it as they mature, though, and once all four children have landed they officially move into Jake’s mansion.


	3. Chapter 3

(Before this goes any further, I wanted to feature the lovely [Ikimaru](Ikimaru.tumblr.com)'s art!)


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